All set for the hospital checks.

yesterday I got the ultrasound and the chest X-ray that I was asked to do before the 2-day check up at the hospital, so now I am all set. According to my pictures, everything is normal. As far as they could see. The ultrasound was partially blocked by stomach fat. No surprises there... I had the same issue with my ultrasounds when I was pregnant, and a very unsympathetic doctor, who was super annoyed at me for being fat and making his job so difficult. I remember that so well... It made me cry at the time, full of hormones, worried about my little baby and wanting to know that he was well, and then being treated like shit by a man (!) who just thought women shouldn't be so fat that his job was made more difficult. I dreaded each ultrasound with that doctor. 

So yeah... all is normal, for an obese person. I think I am getting a little worried now that the reality of it all is setting in. On Tuesday and Wednesday I am going through a lot of tests, including

• Bloodwork, gotta show up hungry and without caffeine in the morning
• A meeting with a surgeon
• A psych evaluation
• A meeting with a dietician
• A gastroscopic evaluation (yum)

Two days, and one overnight stay. They have said, that if we are still in doubt (or rather leaning towards not doing it) then it would be better to wait with the two-day test. I get it. It's time and resources. Most of my life though, I have been one to know what I want pretty fast. So, I'm about to go through with this if all goes well, all tests come back in favour, and I get the ok from the social security insurance. I will talk to the surgeons about the type of bariatric surgery they recommend. I feel like it is hard for me to decide between sleeve and gastric bypass. And I don't really want to go through two rounds of surgery, if the sleeve doesn't suit me for some reason.... hmmmm.

Benefitting from logging my eating habits

So, I've now logged my eating for about a week or so. A bit more. And I've now become aware of what it is that triggers my unhealthy eating.... it's boredom, for the most part. I solve being bored with eating sweets. Or just eating in general. It's like it's something to do, something that beaks the routine (which is funny, since this is also routine to me). Now, I wonder how to break this totally. If it were more a problem of eating for other reasons, then it might be a bit "easier" to solve it, by solving the underlying cause. But boredom..? How do you just quit being bored? For now I am focusing on treating the symptom, namely not eating junk food. It's hard. 

I'm also one to snack in front of the TV in the evening. I love settling down with a favourite show and some really nice snacks. I suppose I am going to have to change that too. Snacking on healthy stuff, if that is something that is enjoyable... I somehow right now can't picture myself enjoying a nice carrot while watching the Mandalorian... 

Food is so central to enjoyment for many ppl, me included. I don't feel like I will be able to give that up, completely. I realise that my portion size is going to go down considerably, and that I will not be able to enjoy sugary stuff, as the body will not want it and I might get dumping syndrome (which sounds horrible). So, I have a lot to learn.

Gastric bypass or gastric sleeve.....

I was at the hospital for my first checkup and information last Friday. It was very encouraging. The team is professional, the people are super nice, the timeline seems really ok. So I am now scheduled for an overnight stay with loads of tests on the 2nd and 3rd of April. Exciting. Before then I have to get an X-ray of the lung as well as an ultrasound of the abdomen. So, there is a lot to get done! Also, I have to do a food protocol. 

They run a 12 week programme before surgery, with training and exercises twice a week. That is also a vital part of it all. And I have to lose 6 kgs minimum before surgery, so that my liver gets smaller, and they can get to the bits they need in there. Post surgery there is a 6 week programme with exercise and dieting, getting back to being able to eat normal foods again. 

The only "problem" is that they said I can choose which version I want, because I have no problems with reflux, and no other issues that would indicate one type of operation over the other. Wow. I was sort of hoping that they would recommend one to me, and not leave it totally open... they also said that it was a smaller effort to have the surgery redone from a sleeve to a gastric bypass if the results are not good enough. Hm. Not really interested in having two rounds of operation if I can have one. So now I am really thinking hard. 

That's the general info that I have so far. There were 7 of us that were there last Friday, a quite diverse group of young and old, and only one guy. I was really happy that they were not demeaning, or treating it as a failure in any way. They were more focused on the positive impact that it can have on ones life. So yay! For now I am going forward with hope and optimism.

Tomorrow

So, it's Thursday. I have my very first appointment tomorrow, where they take some measurements, give us information, and have a chat with the team that will advise us on which operation that they recommend. Or programme..? I am not even sure that they always recommend an operation. 

We have to bring a questionnaire about our weight in our adult life, a food log for one week to see how we eat, and a list of diets that we have tried, with the results achieved etc. My food log is full of comfort foods... I had a bad week, and I gained a kilo during that week, so I'm not feeling super confident about it. If they ask if that is my normal diet I can't really say no, but at the same time it IS a normal week when things are not going great. So, I suppose I am more worried that they'll just say "ok, then just stop eating chocolate and problem solved." Because that would not really be a solution to me that I could stick to. I DO have regular therapy sessions, so if it were that easy to fix things that come up in life then I shouldn't even be this fat to begin with. Right? Not totally confident about that.

Out exploring playgrounds with the little one. I'm the blob. He's the cute midget. 

It's odd how pictures taken by others are the worst.. where you have no chance to prepare, get yourself into the right angle, or cut out the parts you want to hide. All in full view. In unflattering poses, which you have the feeling that other people never really struggle with. I've also had good times, being lighter, and liking what I saw in the photos. So the longing for those times is real. But right now getting back to that state feels like having to climb an ice covered mountain while naked. 

Things that I want to do that I can't now.

Sports: 

• Go for a run.
• Go for a hike
• Play football with my kid
• Go for longer walks with friends in the city
• Go to the zipline park with my stepkids. Man that's a lot of fun!

Normal everyday stuff:

• Fit into a bus seat.
• Go on an airplane and be comfortable.
• Look at a photo of myself and not fuss about my looks.
• Fit into most of my wardrobe.
• sleep comfortably outdoors. Or on any bed that isn't mine, for that matter.
• Find clothes I like in a "normal" shop, a lot of the time anyway.

I'm of course trying to combat these things. I am cycling to work whenever I can, and I am trying to fit in some excercises at home whenever I can. But I REALLY miss the gym. I just don't have the energy to drag myself there after a full day of getting up with my toddler, getting him ready for kindy and myself ready for work, then working until 5pm, going home, playing with toddler then getting him bedready and then taking him to bed, and possibly at 8pm I am "free" to do what I want. Which is .. usually nothing. I get to do some crafting, and some tidying up, but I kinda have to be in bed by 10pm so that I am rested enough to do the same the next day. 

I'm stuck in this cycle.

Obesity and compliments

Even though normal weighted people can be very nice and supportive, a lot of the time it just takes an obese or formerly obese person to really understand you. I almost find it funny that some people need to be fat-shaming others... they probably don't know that most of us who are obese fat-shame ourselves on a regular basis. We've already got that job covered, bro. So how about you just leave it? You never know the full story about someone's obesity, and very rarely is it just a product of being lazy and only wanting to eat junk food. Most of us don't want to eat only junk food. And most of us have some sort of mental health issue linked to our obesity, which means we eat for comfort, for stress, for ... yeah. Many reasons. I'm a comfort eater myself. 

Something that always bothered me, is how people think that they are doing something nice when they are complementing you about your weight. A very typical scenario:

Oh you look great!! Have you lost weight?

It feels like a super heavy burden to get such a compliment. For many, many reasons, even if it was well-meant. Because really what I hear is - oh wow, you still look fat as hell - or - the only way you could look nice is if you lost weight-. That's just the reality of it. If you HAVE lost weight, it still doesn't mean that you feel good about a compliment like that. Then you start thinking about how much the people are observing your body to start with, and you just feel extremely exposed. May as well just have shown up to the party nekkid. And if you HAVEN'T, then oh boy... then you just feel like your friend is being fake and awful, the world is awful, only skinny people count.... And who wants fake friends. Should have just stayed at home. There really isn't any way that a person can win with such a compliment.

I'm often missing the genuine stuff. Whatever happened to - that outfit looks great on you/you look great in that outfit-, or, - I love that colour on you! your eyes are beaming! your style is banging! There are so incredibly many good options to mentioning weight, that it shouldn't be necessary at all. Just please... give us the good gace to stay out of our mine field. Peace.

Considering the cut.

I've long been very sceptical of a stomach operation. It has seemed "too dramatic" to me, for my purpose. It must also be said, that I have only in the last couple of years fallen into the bracket where the operation would be free for me. It is free for people with a BMI of over 40, or over 35 with certain exisiting conditions that endanger ones health (which I have none of, I'm fit as a fiddle but ... fat. Fat as a fiddle!). After giving birth though, I've dedicated myself 100% to being a good mum and a good fiancé and a good daughter and making sure that everyone is ok, while facing that I am not managing to lose weight much. I try, but trying apparently isn't quite cutting it. I can't dedicate 3 hours a day to fitness like I did when I lost a lot of weight at 28, now at 43 I am a mum of a toddler and busier than I have ever been. I love spending time with him, but quickly he is becoming very fast! That scares me. And I feel limited during play, I can't climb up nets and whatnot at playgrounds, or run. 

What gets me is also, that you get treated in a certain way when you are overweight. Since I have for some periods of my life had close to a normal weight, I definitely notice the difference between being overweight and being of normal weight. People tend to take you less seriously when you're overweight. They tend to think you are less intelligent than you are, less fit for a job, less capable, and sort of responsible for the state that you are in. Doctors also discriminate, where it seems that any condition in the world can be assigned to being overweight.

Try losing weight! Yeah, thanks...

The weight has been creeping up, and it didn't help that in my pregnancy I was given a medicine to help me sleep that "helped me" gain weight really really fast, because I felt hungry all the time. It was downright creepy. And now, two years later, I have managed to lose about 12 Kilos since birth. But I've stagnated. And I am still heavy, and unhappy. 

So a friend of mine who underwent surgery 7 years ago asked me, why I wasn't considering it. I wanted to say, because it limits you so much, there is so much you can't do, and have to forego... and then, I thought about it. This same friend was about as heavy as I am now, at her heaviest. And last Autumn she ran an Ultramarathon. My prejudice had gotten the better of me. 

So now I am signed up for a first consultation at the Barmherzige Schwestern hospital in Vienna. That is on the 15th of March, and I am having all sorts of feelings about it. I am conflicted about a lot of things. How I am logging food. How I am struggling between wanting to lose weight and wanting to get the operation, and being uncertain how that would play out if I were to lose "too much" before the operation.... I'll be very glad when I have had the consultation next week. Then I will surely know a lot more than right now.