All clear!!!

At the hospital yesterday I had a meeting with the anesthetist, as well as the surgeon, and now everything is ready for me on the 1st of July. Eeek! Excitement! Which can be defined as joy mixed with some fear. It's not like I am having a mole removed... this is bigger. Life-changing, in fact. Quite extreme. But, I will get through it, and it will be a change for the better. The goal is to shed weight, get stronger, get more energy and be able to take care of my family in a better way.

I have started hoarding small boxes for the food prep. Hoping to do a lot of prep so that I have ready meals for the post op time. 

So, the weekend before the operation, I'll be cooking up a storm. :-)

Things I'm dreaming of that might become reality now... clothes edition.

Getting quality brands hiking gear, and cycling gear for rainy days. Per today I can't fit into any brand that makes these things really well, except for shoe brands... I have had the hiking shoes of my dreams for over two years, but well... I can't really go on big hikes with this weight. My shoes are the Crispi Valdres in black and pink, they're leather, and they fit my feet like they were moulded on. I want to use them more often.

Love, love, love

Being able to get zip-off pants for hiking! I can't ever comfortably get my thies into such pants, because the zip is non-stretch... so the part where the zip is is digging into my flesh. And then when zipping off all the flesh is bulging where the zip line is... ouch. I have never found a zip-off pant that fit me. 

Fitting into my fancy winter coat, and my fancy rain coat. I spent a lot on both of them, and I miss being able to use them.

My turning 40 present to myself,
the raincoat of my dreams.

And ALL the clothes I have not got rid of since the last time I was fit. I have so many clothes... 

Finding boots that fit, that go up to the knee. Not an easy one as my calf muscles are real, but still. 

Being cold. That may sound odd, but if you know, you know. Sweating profusely just from getting my kid dressed is a common occurrence for me. 

Generally my style would be very different if I could fit into the clothes that I like. But since so many brands stop at 44 or 46, that puts a stopper to so many styles. My style has for many years been "whatever I can fit into" - and I am looking forward to being able to take control of that now that I won't be restricted by available sizes. :-) 

Joy and fear

So, just over two weeks to go. I am ... not yet where I should be. I have not lost the 6 kgs yet that I should have, so I am scared because of that. I am now on a diet of shakes and normal food mixed, and trying to keep firmly on the straight and narrow. Fear is a strong motivator too... 

The other day I had a bit of a panic moment. condisering the changes to my body, and that this is not exactly reversible... I REALLY hope that I will be one of those who has a positive outcome after the operation, and that it will be easier than I imagine it. Because I imagine it to be REALLY hard. Also a bit scared about Thor not quite understanding what is going on, and whether he will be gentle enough after the operation. He understands ouch, so I suppose that is were I'll communicate. He can also see the bandages, so I suppose he will comprehend that it is not business as usual. I certainly don't want him jumping on my stomach post op!

This weekend I'll try to be active and burn calories, in order to get as light as possible before the pre-operative talk on Tuesday 18th with the anesthetist and the surgeon. I guess that is the moment of truth..

My measurements for my national costume last year.
That got put on hold when I decided on the operation..

Cheating.... and shakes!

In Europe you don't really have to do the shake-diet before the operation, but for me now it seems the solution to a problem that I have - I've been cheating. And that means I haven't lost enough yet. I need to lose minimum 6 kgs before the operation, I've lost 3. And now it's four weeks to go... the fact that I am still waiting for the social security office to approve it is a bit ennerving. I sincerely hope they will move fast enough forward, that I have everything I need before the 1st of July. To be honest I could do without that stress...

The training and the vitamin taking is making me feel a whole lot better though. At least I have that to comfort myself.

So, to get some fast weight loss I have now started replacing some meals with protein shakes, to see if that can help me get on the right track. I also have to start drinking more... I've downloaded an app to my watch, that will send me reminders. We'll see if that can get me up to 2L minimum per day. 

My electric kickbike died on me last week, so yesterday I had to cycle. And it was raining very hard, when I went home. I got completely drenched. After cycling about 18 km yesterday, coupled with a strength training session at the hospital, I am quite sore today... and I took the car to work. I notice that I kinda hate it. I like being out in the free air so much better. Tomorrow I can pick up the new electric kickbike after training, hopefully I have time to do so. Because biking is not an option when training, I found out.. 

Focusing on what's to come to avoid the worst cravings...

For me the hardest times are in the supermarket, when I am getting food. I am so used to being able to pick some sweets to bring with me, whatever I feel like there and then. But now I am trying really hard to stay on the path... for lunch today I had some low fat protein vanilla yoghurt with strawberries, and a small portion of vegan green curry with rice. It was actually yummy, although I don't eat vegan normally. 😋 I know, that is not a hindrance to finding vegan food yummy...

So now I am trying to think of "future normal sized me". I don't know if I will ever have a normal BMI, I haven't been normal weighted since I was 12, I think. I have been close once or twice when I was being good, doing loads of sports and such, but I never quiiite managed to get into the normal weight range. So a part of me is doubtful that I will lose that much after the bypass. But, time will show. Today I was ogling the chocolates at the cash register when paying for my lunch... so happy that I managed to not pick one up. I really wish they had confectionary free cash registers here in Austria... 

As part of the preparation for the operation, the hospital where I am at gives us two sessions with weight lifting every week. The goal is to have 18 sessions before the operation, and then 6 sessions after, to get into a routine. I'm really loving it, since it is hard to find time for workouts when you have a toddler. You might think there is enough workout in itself in having a toddler, but somehow, it is never structured enough to build muscle... 😋 I can only say that my biceps are strong. And I am constantly tired, lol.

My biggest challenge is drinking enough water. I keep forgetting, because I don't really drink all that much water to begin with. So I think I have to put in some prompts on my watch, so that I get reminded constantly. Might be a good idea. 

I got one of these for my birthday last year, and I love it soooooo much.

Vitamins

So, from now on I have to take vitamins religiously. Every day. We have been told to start 6-8 weeks pre OP, so I am already getting into the routine. What we have been told, and what our body might need are two different things, so I may have to adjust after the operation. Time will tell. 

I'm currently taking these things:

Supradyn Forte Complex, from Netherlands. They are affordable and they have more vitamins than the ones from Germany... really weird, but there you have it.

The Supradyn I take as a soluble, in about 200ml of water. This is to be taken before lunch, after breakkie. 

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Tetesept Calcium 1200 + D3.  

These are chews, and I take them in the afternoon, so that they don't interfere with the iron and other stuff in the Supradyn. It is a bit higher concentration of Calcium than the ones they recommended, which has 1000mg. But I am still waiting for the delivery of the ones from FitForMe, so I got these as an emergency solution. The ones I am getting have Calcium citrate, which is supposedly better.

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Oleovit D3 drops, that I have to take under the tongue.

Since I had a vitamin D deficiency I have been taking these under the tongue for a while already. They really want us to have all vitamin values up and our cupboards filled before the operation.

More doubts...

 As the days are ticking by, I am getting more anxious... mostly I am thinking of the time right after the operation, where I will need support to get by. In the morning I will not be able to do everything for Thor, and that is scary. Currently I do everything, from waking up, to getting him ready with a new nappy, clothes, entertaining him and he usually wants a hot chocolate in the morning. But when I am freshly operated, I will not be able to do all these things. According to the hospital, the first two-three weeks are the most sensitive ones, where I am not allowed to lift heavy and have to be careful in my movements and how I engage the muscles in the stomach region. Well, with a toddler that means that I cannot do this alone.

I am worried, that I will not be able to cope. My man is not an early bird, and I am not sure if he will rise to the occasion. I can probably engage the extra granny, but I am also not sure how that would look, in practice... for now all she does is pick him up and play with him for some hours once a week. To switch to a caring role, in the home, in the morning, I don't know if that is a good idea or would work. 

Some days I am more hopeful than others. Today, not so much... I'm feeling down and pessimistic.

5 weeks and 6 days...

 It's really moving fast now. I am getting a bit nervous. So now the cheat time is over, I have to stick to the diet restrictions, and lose what I am supposed to lose before going in. Get used to doing what I am supposed to be doing. 

I have a dentist appointment next week, that is also making me a bit nervous, since I hate going to the dentist. But my tooth hurts, and I have to get that taken care of. So now I am also frantically flossing and brushing teeth so that I will not rock up at the dentist's feeling guilty because of not doing that regularly... ahem. 

This coming Friday I have the last appointment before the OP at the hospital. I get all the paperwork. Then I have to submit that to the HQ for the social security in Austria. And then it's just ...  keeping on the straight and narrow until the D-day. eeek!

Benefitting from logging my eating habits

So, I've now logged my eating for about a week or so. A bit more. And I've now become aware of what it is that triggers my unhealthy eating.... it's boredom, for the most part. I solve being bored with eating sweets. Or just eating in general. It's like it's something to do, something that beaks the routine (which is funny, since this is also routine to me). Now, I wonder how to break this totally. If it were more a problem of eating for other reasons, then it might be a bit "easier" to solve it, by solving the underlying cause. But boredom..? How do you just quit being bored? For now I am focusing on treating the symptom, namely not eating junk food. It's hard. 

I'm also one to snack in front of the TV in the evening. I love settling down with a favourite show and some really nice snacks. I suppose I am going to have to change that too. Snacking on healthy stuff, if that is something that is enjoyable... I somehow right now can't picture myself enjoying a nice carrot while watching the Mandalorian... 

Food is so central to enjoyment for many ppl, me included. I don't feel like I will be able to give that up, completely. I realise that my portion size is going to go down considerably, and that I will not be able to enjoy sugary stuff, as the body will not want it and I might get dumping syndrome (which sounds horrible). So, I have a lot to learn.

Gastric bypass or gastric sleeve.....

I was at the hospital for my first checkup and information last Friday. It was very encouraging. The team is professional, the people are super nice, the timeline seems really ok. So I am now scheduled for an overnight stay with loads of tests on the 2nd and 3rd of April. Exciting. Before then I have to get an X-ray of the lung as well as an ultrasound of the abdomen. So, there is a lot to get done! Also, I have to do a food protocol. 

They run a 12 week programme before surgery, with training and exercises twice a week. That is also a vital part of it all. And I have to lose 6 kgs minimum before surgery, so that my liver gets smaller, and they can get to the bits they need in there. Post surgery there is a 6 week programme with exercise and dieting, getting back to being able to eat normal foods again. 

The only "problem" is that they said I can choose which version I want, because I have no problems with reflux, and no other issues that would indicate one type of operation over the other. Wow. I was sort of hoping that they would recommend one to me, and not leave it totally open... they also said that it was a smaller effort to have the surgery redone from a sleeve to a gastric bypass if the results are not good enough. Hm. Not really interested in having two rounds of operation if I can have one. So now I am really thinking hard. 

That's the general info that I have so far. There were 7 of us that were there last Friday, a quite diverse group of young and old, and only one guy. I was really happy that they were not demeaning, or treating it as a failure in any way. They were more focused on the positive impact that it can have on ones life. So yay! For now I am going forward with hope and optimism.

Tomorrow

So, it's Thursday. I have my very first appointment tomorrow, where they take some measurements, give us information, and have a chat with the team that will advise us on which operation that they recommend. Or programme..? I am not even sure that they always recommend an operation. 

We have to bring a questionnaire about our weight in our adult life, a food log for one week to see how we eat, and a list of diets that we have tried, with the results achieved etc. My food log is full of comfort foods... I had a bad week, and I gained a kilo during that week, so I'm not feeling super confident about it. If they ask if that is my normal diet I can't really say no, but at the same time it IS a normal week when things are not going great. So, I suppose I am more worried that they'll just say "ok, then just stop eating chocolate and problem solved." Because that would not really be a solution to me that I could stick to. I DO have regular therapy sessions, so if it were that easy to fix things that come up in life then I shouldn't even be this fat to begin with. Right? Not totally confident about that.

Out exploring playgrounds with the little one. I'm the blob. He's the cute midget. 

It's odd how pictures taken by others are the worst.. where you have no chance to prepare, get yourself into the right angle, or cut out the parts you want to hide. All in full view. In unflattering poses, which you have the feeling that other people never really struggle with. I've also had good times, being lighter, and liking what I saw in the photos. So the longing for those times is real. But right now getting back to that state feels like having to climb an ice covered mountain while naked. 

Things that I want to do that I can't now.

Sports: 

• Go for a run.
• Go for a hike
• Play football with my kid
• Go for longer walks with friends in the city
• Go to the zipline park with my stepkids. Man that's a lot of fun!

Normal everyday stuff:

• Fit into a bus seat.
• Go on an airplane and be comfortable.
• Look at a photo of myself and not fuss about my looks.
• Fit into most of my wardrobe.
• sleep comfortably outdoors. Or on any bed that isn't mine, for that matter.
• Find clothes I like in a "normal" shop, a lot of the time anyway.

I'm of course trying to combat these things. I am cycling to work whenever I can, and I am trying to fit in some excercises at home whenever I can. But I REALLY miss the gym. I just don't have the energy to drag myself there after a full day of getting up with my toddler, getting him ready for kindy and myself ready for work, then working until 5pm, going home, playing with toddler then getting him bedready and then taking him to bed, and possibly at 8pm I am "free" to do what I want. Which is .. usually nothing. I get to do some crafting, and some tidying up, but I kinda have to be in bed by 10pm so that I am rested enough to do the same the next day. 

I'm stuck in this cycle.

Obesity and compliments

Even though normal weighted people can be very nice and supportive, a lot of the time it just takes an obese or formerly obese person to really understand you. I almost find it funny that some people need to be fat-shaming others... they probably don't know that most of us who are obese fat-shame ourselves on a regular basis. We've already got that job covered, bro. So how about you just leave it? You never know the full story about someone's obesity, and very rarely is it just a product of being lazy and only wanting to eat junk food. Most of us don't want to eat only junk food. And most of us have some sort of mental health issue linked to our obesity, which means we eat for comfort, for stress, for ... yeah. Many reasons. I'm a comfort eater myself. 

Something that always bothered me, is how people think that they are doing something nice when they are complementing you about your weight. A very typical scenario:

Oh you look great!! Have you lost weight?

It feels like a super heavy burden to get such a compliment. For many, many reasons, even if it was well-meant. Because really what I hear is - oh wow, you still look fat as hell - or - the only way you could look nice is if you lost weight-. That's just the reality of it. If you HAVE lost weight, it still doesn't mean that you feel good about a compliment like that. Then you start thinking about how much the people are observing your body to start with, and you just feel extremely exposed. May as well just have shown up to the party nekkid. And if you HAVEN'T, then oh boy... then you just feel like your friend is being fake and awful, the world is awful, only skinny people count.... And who wants fake friends. Should have just stayed at home. There really isn't any way that a person can win with such a compliment.

I'm often missing the genuine stuff. Whatever happened to - that outfit looks great on you/you look great in that outfit-, or, - I love that colour on you! your eyes are beaming! your style is banging! There are so incredibly many good options to mentioning weight, that it shouldn't be necessary at all. Just please... give us the good gace to stay out of our mine field. Peace.

Considering the cut.

I've long been very sceptical of a stomach operation. It has seemed "too dramatic" to me, for my purpose. It must also be said, that I have only in the last couple of years fallen into the bracket where the operation would be free for me. It is free for people with a BMI of over 40, or over 35 with certain exisiting conditions that endanger ones health (which I have none of, I'm fit as a fiddle but ... fat. Fat as a fiddle!). After giving birth though, I've dedicated myself 100% to being a good mum and a good fiancé and a good daughter and making sure that everyone is ok, while facing that I am not managing to lose weight much. I try, but trying apparently isn't quite cutting it. I can't dedicate 3 hours a day to fitness like I did when I lost a lot of weight at 28, now at 43 I am a mum of a toddler and busier than I have ever been. I love spending time with him, but quickly he is becoming very fast! That scares me. And I feel limited during play, I can't climb up nets and whatnot at playgrounds, or run. 

What gets me is also, that you get treated in a certain way when you are overweight. Since I have for some periods of my life had close to a normal weight, I definitely notice the difference between being overweight and being of normal weight. People tend to take you less seriously when you're overweight. They tend to think you are less intelligent than you are, less fit for a job, less capable, and sort of responsible for the state that you are in. Doctors also discriminate, where it seems that any condition in the world can be assigned to being overweight.

Try losing weight! Yeah, thanks...

The weight has been creeping up, and it didn't help that in my pregnancy I was given a medicine to help me sleep that "helped me" gain weight really really fast, because I felt hungry all the time. It was downright creepy. And now, two years later, I have managed to lose about 12 Kilos since birth. But I've stagnated. And I am still heavy, and unhappy. 

So a friend of mine who underwent surgery 7 years ago asked me, why I wasn't considering it. I wanted to say, because it limits you so much, there is so much you can't do, and have to forego... and then, I thought about it. This same friend was about as heavy as I am now, at her heaviest. And last Autumn she ran an Ultramarathon. My prejudice had gotten the better of me. 

So now I am signed up for a first consultation at the Barmherzige Schwestern hospital in Vienna. That is on the 15th of March, and I am having all sorts of feelings about it. I am conflicted about a lot of things. How I am logging food. How I am struggling between wanting to lose weight and wanting to get the operation, and being uncertain how that would play out if I were to lose "too much" before the operation.... I'll be very glad when I have had the consultation next week. Then I will surely know a lot more than right now.